


Sam's Thirteen Reasons

by YouPromisedMePie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester - Freeform, Depressed Sam, Gen, Grieving Dean, Guilty Dean, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Other, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Suicidal Sam, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, hopeless sam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 04:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10655202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouPromisedMePie/pseuds/YouPromisedMePie
Summary: Three days ago, Dean came home to find Sam in the bathroom, wrists slit and barely breathing. Now, as Sam lays in the hospital unconscious, Dean finds a box of tapes left out for him to listen to. Curious, he presses play, but he never could have imagined what he would hear coming through the headphones.





	1. Cassette 1, Side A: Reason One

**Author's Note:**

> This comes directly from a roleplay with dean--winchester--the--legacy with their permission. I came up with the idea to do the roleplay thread and then thought it would work well as a fic. Hope you like it. This is a Thirteen Reasons Why AU for the Supernatural verse.

It’s been three days since Dean found Sam. Since Dean found Sam in the bathroom with gashes in his wrists, blood pouring out, but he still had a pulse…faint, but still there, his chest just barely rising and falling.

Dean rushed Sam to the hospital, almost crashing a few times, tears blurring his vision as he sped through town. Sam had lost a lot of blood, the doctors told him.  _Duh_. He thought. They had stabilized him, given him blood, but he still hadn’t woken up. Something about his body still being in shock.

After three days of no sleep, lots of crying, sitting by Sam’s hospital bed and holding his hand, talking to him with no response…one of the nurses had finally convinced him to go home, shower and change, maybe eat something, take a nap. She assured him that she would call him if  _anything_ happened. 

Dean drove numbly back to the bunker, showering and putting on clean clothes. He wasn’t hungry, but he decided that when Sam woke up he would need clean clothes, so he went to Sam’s room to grab a few things, and that’s when he found it. A box sitting on top of Sam’s bed, tapes inside with a note that just said ‘Listen’ in Sam’s handwriting. Dean had no idea what these could be, Sam had always mocked him for still listening to tapes in the car, and now he was leaving him a box of tapes? 

Dean’s eyes widened when he saw the box of tapes. His eyebrows furrowed and he walked over slowly, wiping away a tear. His mind…. His mind was still racing. Why did Sammy do this to him? Why did he try to kill himself?  _What did Dean do wrong?_  Nevertheless, Dean threw the sticky note that said ‘Listen’ down and picked up the first tape.

Sam had left Dean’s walkman beside the box, figuring that when he found them, he’d be too upset or distracted to be able to go look for it himself. He was helping…right?

Dean’s hands shook a little more as he picked up the walkman. He put in the tape on side one and put in his earbuds, taking a deep breath. Then he hit play.

 

> **[There was a crackling noise at first, then the soft whirring of white noise in the background and a shuffling as Sam set up to start.]**
> 
> _“Hey Dean, it’s me…Sam. If you’re listening to this, it means I’m dead. Now, please, don’t turn it off._
> 
> _I know you’re upset, and you must have a lot of questions, right? Well, that’s why I made these tapes…to help me sort it all out, how I got to this place. And then to hopefully explain to you why I did it…why I needed it all to end._
> 
> **[There was a pause, more shuffling. Sam had been a bit nervous, thinking about Dean’s reactions as he was listening to these words. He was choosing them carefully for his brother.]**
> 
> _There are a lot of things that happened over the years, and obviously they’re not all on here - there would be a lot more tapes._
> 
> _A lot of these things are about you or have to do with you, I mean, you were at the center of my whole life right? But I want to make it clear that I’m not blaming you, this isn’t your fault…got it?_
> 
> _On these tapes are thirteen stories, events in my life, that led us here. Hopefully they’ll help you understand, just….just listen.”_
> 
> **[He struggled at the end, his voice pleading with his brother. He was afraid that Dean - if he got this far - would potentially turn off the tape and not continue, but he needed him to keep going.]**
> 
> _“For story number one, just keep listening. I understand if you need to take breaks…take as much time as you need, just promise me that you’ll stick it out to the end. It’s important Dean…”_

 

Dean felt like he couldn’t breathe. He felt like his whole world was crashing down, which in a way… Now it was. Sitting down on Sam’s bed, the older Winchester continued to listen, pulling Sam’s pillow into his lap and hugging it tightly. For now, this was as close to Sam as he was getting. Did he like it? No. Did he think he’d survive this? Probably not.

As he continued to listen to the tapes, Dean pulled a little black velvet box out of his pocket and stared at it. Dean had been gone for a few hours, it was why Sam had the time to… Do what he did. But the reason Dean was gone, and so long at that, was because he was picking out wedding rings. Dean was planning on proposing to Sam that night. After being with Sam for over a decade, he figured it was time to propose. But now, he wondered, would he get the chance?

>  
> 
> _“I thought it would make the most sense to do this in chronological order, so let’s go all the way back to Stanford. That’s right…reason number one: Jessica Lee Moore._
> 
> _For the first time since leaving you and Dad, after that big fight the night I left for California, I had finally started to think that I could really have a normal life. See, I’d been dating Jess for about a year and a half and I was in love with her, like really in love…and I was going to marry her. We had talked about kids, and a future…did you know that? I don’t think I ever told you…right after she died, it was just too painful to think about…and then it just became unimportant._
> 
> _That was the first huge thing that happened in my life that really…shook me, ya know? Completely turned my life around in a 180 and sent me in a new direction…everything I thought was going to happen, everything I had planned for the future was gone, I had to start over and make a different future and it terrified me…”_
> 
> **[There was another pause. He had sort of built in pauses for Dean, knowing he would probably take it all in bits and pieces.]**

 

Dean’s thumb ran across the soft velvet of the box and he swallowed thickly. He felt his eyes well with tears and he dropped his head to his hand, covering his eyes. He held the tears in, however. For now. Dean didn’t know how long he could actually hold on.

> _“Eventually I came to grips with it, but I still missed her all the time…I never told you, but that’s how Lucifer first came to me in a dream. He made himself appear as Jess. Her memory has haunted me all these years, I still sometimes have nightmares about her burning on the ceiling of our apartment._
> 
> _It’s not the most important reason, or the biggest impact, but it’s still pretty damn important…and it’s something that’s stuck with me, affected relationships.”_
> 
> **[A long pause, gathering his thoughts.]**
> 
> _“Turn the tape over for more…”_
> 
> **[There was more whirring, just white noise…then another click as the recording stopped.]**

Tears slipped down Dean’s cheeks as he sat the ring box aside and turned the tape to side two. He closed it and pressed play, hugging Sam’s pillow tighter.


	2. Cassette 1, Side B: Reason Two

Dean took a deep breath as the second side started. He wasn't sure how much he would listen to right now...maybe he would take a break after this one. Why had Sam done this? Clearly he'd had a lot of time to think about this if he'd taken time to record thirteen tapes about why he was killing himself before he actually did it. Didn't this just make it all worse?

> _Tape two. You made it through number one…does that mean you’re gonna stick with me? I hope so._
> 
> _Reason Number Two: John Winchester. I know John’s death had a huge impact on both of us…but you had a better relationship with him, and I think it was easier for you to move on, because you didn’t have so much weighing on you._
> 
> _When Dad died, I knew I’d let him down. I regretted all the things I’d said to him – like our fight before I left for Stanford – and all that I’d never said to him, and now I wouldn’t get the chance. I regretted all the things he’d wanted me to be, everything he wanted me to do, but that I didn’t, that I refused…all the ways in which I had utterly failed him._
> 
> _You were always the good son, Dean, and nothing he asked of us was anything beyond my capabilities. I just couldn’t be who he needed…who you both needed me to be._
> 
> **[He paused, holding back tears almost. He knew this one would be hard to get through, but it was important.]**

Dean hit pause. Why was he listening to this?

“Y-You were my everything,” Dean sobbed, hiding his face in Sam’s pillow. He never broke down like this, hardly ever cried.

But this moment…. Was too much. “You were everything. I-I love you.”

He let himself just cry for a while...letting out everything that he hadn't for the last few days. He'd been numb.

Once he'd pulled together a bit, he pressed play again, letting Sam's voice back into his ears.

> _I’m not blaming Dad for expecting things of me I couldn’t live up to, I’m not blaming you for being upset that I left to go to college, that I rebelled against the “Winchester way”_
> 
> _I blame myself. I know that I wasn’t as obedient as I should have been, that I was selfish when I left to go to school or refused to do things John asked of me. I didn’t call you near enough those years I was away at school…and I don’t have a good excuse for it. I was caught up in my own life and I assumed you didn’t want to talk to the little brother that walked out on you._
> 
> _I never had the chance to tell Dad how I really felt, how much I appreciated everything he did for us. I know he was doing what he thought was right, and he did the best he could to provide for us…we were so important to him, I just clearly didn’t treat him like he was important to me._

Dean shook his head over and over and over again. He disagreed with so much that Sam was saying, most of what he was saying.

> _“So, John….Dad…wherever you are, I just thought you should know….I’m sorry” *click*_

Dean swallowed hard again and put the tape back in the box, grabbing the second and playing side one.


	3. Cassette 2, Side A: Reason Three

> _Tape Three. Wow, number three already._  
> 
> **[Sam’s voice sounded exhausted, like he’d been doing this forever. And it was a taxing experience, a heavy task.]**
> 
> _This is where we start getting into some deeper shit, more intense, life-altering stuff. The kind of stuff that really makes you reevaluate everything, who you are._
> 
> _I had always known I was different. You and John were so alike, so similar, and I didn’t fit in. But I had tried to tell myself that it was just all in my head, that at least you and I got along and clearly had a bond, but once I found out that I had Demon Blood inside me? It confirmed everything, it was true…I was a freak, there was something dark and different inside me that I couldn’t get away from._
> 
> **[Sam paused, he had known that talking about this was going to be a bit more difficult than the first two. Demon blood had had such a huge, catastrophic impact on his life.]**
> 
> _This isn’t the only time we’re gonna talk about this, believe me, just like it did in my life, the subject of Demon Blood will come up again. This time we’re just talking about the discovery about Azazel’s little scheme…and what he did to set off so many events in our lives, in my life._

Dean rubbed his hands down his face and sniffled, swallowing the lump in his throat. He couldn’t help but think a lot of this was his fault.

> _"Anyway, like I was saying, I’d always felt different…I could just sense something in myself that didn’t fit, but I was never sure what it was. And then we found out what exactly happened in the nursery the night Mom died. I really was a freak. I’d had demon blood pumping through my veins…and it scared you too, I could see it. Even though you tried to act cool, like it wasn’t my fault and that maybe it didn’t really change that much…I could tell you looked at me differently, you have ever since that day. Something shifted in your eyes. I was wrong, tainted._
> 
> _The shift in the way you looked at me never went away, you never saw me quite the same after that Dean…_
> 
> _But remember, this isn’t your fault. You were just thinking it was weren’t you?_
> 
> _I know you Dean…or…I knew you. Sometimes better than you know yourself._
> 
> _It’s not your fault you saw me differently, because I **was** a freak._
> 
> _There wasn’t anything hugely significant about the singular event of discovering this information that really impacted my life, but it started a butterfly effect…and it caused the hurricane that continued to sweep through my life."_

Dean shook his head and hid in Sam’s old bed. Ever since they got together, Sam started sleeping in Dean’s room, in his bed with him. But this one still smelled like him.

> _"I guess I’ll never know if that shift in your eyes really meant a lot to you like it did to me…but I noticed it. And I didn’t forget it. It was like you didn’t trust me anymore or something, and that hurt._
> 
> _So demon blood in your veins, not the best news to receive right? And I’m basically the reason Mom’s dead, so that just makes it even better right?_
> 
> **[Sam laughed darkly, the sarcasm in his words was clear.]**
> 
> _but hey, at least for a while I was psychic…that’s gotta be an upside doesn’t it? Don’t think so? Yeah me neither"_
> 
> *** _click_ ***

Dean winced when he heard this click. He decided he’d listen to side two and then go back to the hospital.


	4. Cassette 2, Side B: Reason 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kind of a short one. Don't forget to leave comments and let me know what you think.

Turning the tape over, Dean took a deep breath and pressed play.

> _“Alright, number four…so, this one may not seem like a big deal. She wasn’t hugely important to me, hell, we barely knew each other…but killing Madison really struck a chord in me._
> 
> _My entire relationship with Madison, if you could really call it that, was proof that I would never find what I craved, that I’d lost with Jessica – love, a normal life, a normal functional relationship. All it did was confirm my feelings that I was a freak, that all I did was ruin things._
> 
> _I thought that I was falling for some normal, really cool woman who I just clicked with so instantly. But she turned out to be a monster…of course your freak of a little brother would fall for a werewolf right?_
> 
> **[Sam laughed, again that darkness was there in his laugh.]**
> 
> _After Jess, I was just so hesitant to open up around women, but with her it was different. I just felt that instant connection. Too bad I had to shoot her, huh?”_

Dean swallowed thickly as he listened, more tears streaming down his face. He was starting to hate himself more and more.

> _“Like I said, Madison wasn’t hugely important…she didn’t leave some intense impact on my life. She just confirmed a lot of insecurities in me, and the whole experience of that, it just screwed me up for a while at a bad point in my life._
> 
> _For the next one, just a heads up, you may wanna be sitting down.”_
> 
> **[This one didn’t click off immediately like the last couple. There was the whirring of the tape recording silence and you could faintly hear Sam breathing, then finally the click as the recording stopped.]**

Dean’s eyes widened a bit and he quickly got the next tape. He had to. He couldn’t just leave himself on edge like that.


	5. Cassette 3, Side A: Reason Five

Dean pressed play.

> **[The tape recorder clicked on and it was just quiet for a good thirty seconds, then a soft sound of Sam clearing his throat.]**
> 
> _“Number five_. **[pause]**   _This is a big one, Dean. This is the first one where I actually thought about…I uh, well, I can’t say it but I think you get what I mean._
> 
> _When you went to Hell, man…I may as well have gone with you because that’s what it felt like. I was in my own personal Hell here on Earth._
> 
> _Every time I closed my eyes to try to get some rest, all I could see was your lifeless body, torn to shreds by Hellhounds. I never slept, unless I passed out for a few hours after getting wasted because I couldn’t get through a single day without drinking._
> 
> _It helped to numb the pain of being without you._
> 
> **[He pauses, his voice had started to waiver and he was trying to collect himself to keep going.]**

Dean squeezed his eyes shut, hugging the pillow even tighter as he choked out a sob.

> _“Bobby tried to help, but he couldn’t get through to me, and he had shit of his own to work through after losing you._
> 
> _We both took it hard, but I was…catatonic._
> 
> _I don’t remember the first few days after…it’s all a blur of booze and shock. I remember Bobby dragging me into the shower to get off the blood after I clung to you._
> 
> **[Another long pause, the tape just rolling, whirring softly in the recorder.]**
> 
> _I almost ended it a few times during those months._
> 
> _It was just too much, too hard to try to go on without you. We’d always been a team, two halves of a whole, and a piece was missing. You were always the better hunter, the level headed one, so what the fuck was I supposed to do without my big brother?_
> 
> _I didn’t care about anything anymore. Helping people, killing monsters, being around…_
> 
> _I didn’t feel like that at first. Once I got over the initial shock, I was hopeful at first, I would figure out a way to bring you back, talk to a Demon and figure out a way. But I quickly realized that no one was going to do it, I couldn’t get you out and that’s when the downward spiral really started. I was drinking all the time, luring crossroads demons into traps and just killing them in cold blood. Because I wanted someone to pay, I wanted someone to get how it felt to have the most important thing in your life ripped away from you._
> 
> _When I figured out that no one gave a shit about those bugs that I squashed, I gave up. I just didn’t care…I didn’t care if I lived or died._

Dean swallowed hard and stared off into space. “And now…. Now you tried to leave me. After all that, you’re leaving me.”

> _“So that was the first time I’d gone that dark, and I would still count those four months as some of the worst times in my life…which is how they ended up on this list._
> 
> _I know you’re probably thinking ‘If you were that torn up after losing me, why did you do the same thing to me?’ Am I right?……was I close?_
> 
> _But it’s not the same, Dean. And things in my life just kept getting worse. I’m not saying it was all bad, god some of it was fucking amazing. But there was just so much shit…just so much Dean. And it became too much._
> 
> _You don’t understand why it was too much for me to handle…you may even get to the end of these tapes and still not understand. You’re the strong one. I’m weak.”_
> 
> **[A brief pause.]**
> 
> _“Which brings me to our next tape. Stay tuned to hear about one of the times I was weaker than I’ve ever been, and how it ruined so much.”_
> 
> ***click***

Dean shook his head and put the tapes and the walkman down, groaning. “Absolutely wonderful….”


	6. Dean's Decision

Dean jumped when his phone started to ring, still out of it, his mind on the tapes and Sam's voice.

Dean scrambled for his phone, immediately picking up and answered. “Hello?”

“Is this Dean Winchester?” A woman’s voice asked on the other end

“Y-Yeah,” Dean replied.

“I’m calling from the hospital…I think you should come as soon as you can” she explained, trying to sound reassuring.

Dean immediately stood and gathered some things, running out to the Impala. “Why?”

“It’s a bit complicated, I think it’s best if I explain once you’re here.” The woman didn't want to alarm him, just imply that it was urgent but not an immediate threat.

Dean hung up and got into the Impala, speeding off.

The nurse was waiting in Sam’s room for Dean to return.

Dean immediately ran in. “What’s wrong?”

She laid a hand gently on his shoulder. “Calm down Dean, it’s okay. It’s just…it seems that his body is rejecting some of the blood we gave him, his heart rate is a little slower than we’d like. The doctor feels the best option is to do a complete transfusion…though it’s taxing on the body. It’ll more than likely cause him to take a lot longer to wake up.”

Dean winced, nodding slowly. “Do what you need to do.”

“You’re sure? Did they test you when he was brought in? Or do you know if you are the same blood type? It could be beneficial for him to have some of your blood…his organs may respond better. Of course I’m just saying this is an option, you don’t have to”

Dean’s eyes widened when he remembered. “Yeah! Yeah, we’re the same blood type! Use my blood, it’s okay.”

“Well, we obviously can’t use all of your blood. But a couple pints would potentially be very beneficial. If you’re sure about this, I’ll go ahead and send you to the lab and they’ll get you set up.”

Dean nodded again. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Whatever to keep Sammy alive. One question though.”

She looked at him a bit confused but reassuring at the same time. She nodded encouragingly. “Of course…anything.”

“Is he allowed to wear a ring?” Dean asked, his voice wavering a little bit.

“During the transfusion, definitely not…and probably not as long as he’s unconcious at least. Just because if his fingers sweet it can become a circulation issue.”

Dean nodded slowly and looked down. “Alright. Never mind.”

“Why do you ask?…if you don’t mind” she pressed gently, genuinely curious.

“I just…. I had wedding rings…. It’s stupid. Never mind.”

She smiled sadly at him. “Maybe it’ll be a nice surprise for him when he wakes up” she suggested. “It’s not stupid Dean”

Dean smiled weakly and nodded slowly. “Yeah…. Let’s just get this over please.”

The nurses nodded, pausing briefly. “Have you eaten in the last 48 hours?” She asked him a bit skeptically.

Dean nodded slowly. “Yeah. I did when I went back home.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat a single thing since you came in three days ago…and, donating blood on an empty stomach is dangerous, Dean.”

“I’m. Fine. I just ate when I went back home earlier. Can we get this shit done, please?”

“I would feel more comfortable just making sure you ate something. Just some crackers or something. Then we can get you over to the lab", she insisted.

“I don’t really care. I’m fine.” Dean muttered, crossing his arms.

“Dean, I’m afraid I’ll have to insist” she could sense his growing irritation, but it posed such a risk for them to take his blood without him having anything in his stomach. His body would be too weak.

Dean rolled his eyes. “You picked a time to die, Sammy. Had to take you to a hospital where the nurses are asses,” he muttered, narrowing his eyes at the nurse as he walked out.

The nurse heard him, but she didn’t say anything. She knew he was hurting and upset and she didn't take it personally.

Dean came back a little bit later. “There. Now take me to the lab.”

She nodded, leading him through the halls to the lab, handing the tech the paperwork. “Direct donation" she told the lab technician, nodding to Dean. "Two pints, going to Sam Winchester in 504"

The man nodded, taking the paperwork. The lab tech set everything up and took his blood, giving him a juice box afterwards. “To help with your blood sugar. You’ll feel pretty tired for a few hours, this should help.”

Dean’s eyes drooped a little but he nodded, taking the juicebox and slowly drinking as he walked out.

Dean went back to Sam's room and the doctor and nurses were already in there waiting to talk to him.

“With what we had banked and what you donated, we have enough blood to go ahead with the transfusion now. You can stay here with him if you’d like, but if you’re uncomfortable we can have someone keep you updated and you can stay if the family room if you’d like” the doctor explained.

“No, I’m staying.” Dean mumbled, sitting where he could be next to Sam but that he was out of the nurses and doctors way.

The doctor nodded. “Of course.”

Dean reached forward, holding one of Sam’s hands.

Sam’s body just laid there, his chest rising and falling some on its own, but with the help of a ventilator. Other than that, he was motionless, completely still.

Dean’s eyes filled with tears once again. He brought Sam’s hand up and gently kissed it, squeezing it.

The doctors set up the machines, beginning the procedure. Dean was silent the whole time, his eyes just searching Sam’s face.

Once they were finished, they all left the room, letting Dean have some time alone with Sam and telling him they would be back later to check Sam’s progress.

Dean’s voice wavered terribly as he started to speak. “I-I love you so much, Sammy. Can’t believe y-you tried to leave me….”

Sam’s body still didn’t move and he showed no physical response, but the beeping did speed up slightly on his heart monitor.

Dean’s eyes flicked to the heart monitor and he sniffled, more tears slipping down his cheeks. “I finally bought us some rings, baby… That’s why I left, to buy them…. Was finally gonna propose.”

Suddenly his heart rate spiked and two nurses came running in. But after about ten seconds it started to level back out and was stronger than it had been before. “Looks like he’s responding well to the new blood”

Dean smiled weakly and nodded, putting his other hand on top of Sam’s. “’m excited too, Sammy.”

After the excitement settled, there weren’t anymore eventful moments for the day. Sam’s heartbeat was steady but nothing changed.

“I uh…. I found the tapes.” Dean mumbled after a long while.

Sam's breathing stopped for a few seconds.

Dean’s eyes widened and he sat up. “Sam? Sammy?!”

After a second, the ventilator forces him to start breathing again, his chest rising and falling. 

Dean teared up, pressing his forehead to Sam’s muscular chest.  “I love you, Sam.” Dean mumbled, closing his eyes.

Sam’s vitals leveled out to normal again and one of the nurses stopped by to check on him.

“How are you, Dean?” The nurse asked him sweetly. “Do you need anything?”

Dean shook his head, swallowing hard. “’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You look exhausted sweetie…”

“I said I’m fine.” he grumbled, not looking up or away from Sam.

She nodded. “Alright, I’ll leave you then.”

After Sam’s body adjusted to the new blood, everything went back to how he’d been for the last few days. Stable but just…still.

“Sammy…. Please don’t die on me.” Dean pleaded, tears stinging his eyes again.

The heart monitor beeped steadily, the ventilator hissing softly as it helped push air through Sam’s lungs.

“Sammy…. I’m gonna go home, grab the tapes. I’ll come back with them. I-I don’t trust myself to be away from you while I’m listening to them. I don’t trust myself to….Be alone…. I hope that’s okay.”

The nurses had just switched shifts and the nighttime nurse came in to check his vitals.

Dean kissed Sam’s head and crept out, leaving the nurse to her duties. A while later he came back with his walkman, earbuds, and all the tapes he hadn’t listened to yet.


	7. Cassette 3, Side B: Reason Six

Sam’s nurse was finishing up injecting medication into his IV when Dan returned and she gave him a kind smile.

Dean nodded to the nurse and sat right next to Sam, pulling the walkman out of his bag and pressing play.

> _“…’You’ve got to know that’s wrong, right Sam?’ That’s what everyone kept saying to me._
> 
> _Yeah, of course. Part of me knew exactly how wrong and disturbing what_ _I_ _was doing was. Part of me, I think, really believed I was doing ‘the right thing’, what I had to do. And then I think another part of me just didn’t care._
> 
> _Maybe I was acting out, maybe I wanted attention, maybe I just wanted to feel something, to feel strong after feeling so weak._
> 
> _I had this delusion that I was in control. That I wasn’t an addict, some junkie with Ruby as my dealer.”_
> 
> **[He said her name like it was poison, like the word itself was the most disgusting thing he’d ever heard.]**
> 
> _“I’m sure by now you’ve figured out this tape is about my nasty little habit…being addicted to Demon Blood. See? I told you it would pop up again didn’t I?_
> 
> _I told you it was one of my weakest points. And arguably the stupidest thing I’ve done…but I didn’t see it that way at the time. I was searching for answers, we needed a way to kill Lilith, we needed to stop Lucifer from getting free…ad how was I to know Ruby was lying?_
> 
> _And before you say that she’s a demon and I should have assumed as much, she had helped us in the past. It seemed logical that that’s all it was. Sure she was a demon, but she seemed to be a free agent and she wanted to help…or so it seemed."_

Dean winced and closed his eyes as he listened, keeping one earbud out.

> _“I’m not trying to justify or make excuses for what I did…I know how bad it was, how wrong._
> 
> _And enough about Ruby…this tape isn’t about her. She was just my supplier, and she got me hooked…but the problem was me, she was merely enabling me. I’m the one who kept going back for more, the one who started to crave it._
> 
> _I know I was mad at you at the time, but I want to take the time to say thank you for the tough love, for getting me off it. If it wasn’t for you, I’m not sure I would have been able to actually quit…but you got me to stop, so truly thank you Dean. Just one of the many times you saved me._
> 
> _Even though I eventually quit, I was addicted long enough to really screw up a lot. That’s what I do best, I screw things up.”_

“You don’t screw anything up, baby,” Dean told Sam out loud, knowing he could hear him, even if he couldn’t respond.

> _“I think the worst thing about it to me was that I had become what I hated so much in myself, what I had fought inside of me for so long…now I was giving into it. I was so disgusted with myself, with that darkness in side of me that I’d discovered not that long before. I was tainted with Demon Blood, and now I was willingly making it worse._
> 
> _It’s sort of poetic isn’t it? That blood has been such a significant part of my life, and then it ends with blood? With my blood? It’s like everything comes full circle. Just like with the next tape. All of this demon blood stuff comes full circle too.”_
> 
> **[There’s the whirring again and then a soft click.]**

Dean jumped at the sound of the click before ejecting the tape, grabbing the next one out of the box.


	8. Cassette 4, Side A: Reason Seven

> **[There was quiet as the recording started, then Sam’s voice came in softer than most of the previous tapes.]**
> 
> _“This is the only one where I’m going to come close to blaming you for anything._
> 
> _Lucky number seven: When you called me a monster._
> 
> _Remember, Dean? I guess this is a sort of continuation then of the previous tape…”_
> 
> **[He took a deep breath, thinking about exactly what he wanted to say, choosing his words carefully.]**

Dean flinched at that and closed his eyes, pressing his lips to one of Sam’s hands.

> _“I had been foolishly drinking Demon Blood for a while…you’d tried to stop me, hell everyone had. But I thought I was doing what I needed to do for us to stop Lucifer. I get it now that I was an idiot, but that’s what I thought at the time._
> 
> _And now that I’m past it, now that I’m not in the midst of my addiction, I understand why you felt the way you did._
> 
> _You told me that if I wasn’t your brother, if you didn’t know me, that you would want to hunt me…that I’d become one of the things we killed…that what I was doing, what I’d become….made me a monster._
> 
> _You were sort of right, I can see that now. But then? God that cut deep, Dean._
> 
> _See, I’d had so many doubts about myself over the years, ever since we found out about what Azazel did, maybe even a little before. Like I said earlier, I had always felt different, like I didn’t fit. Then, after I knew I had this… **thing** inside me, it was confirmed. But you still treated me like your brother, you told me how it wasn’t my fault, it was something that was done to me and that I could choose to be different._
> 
> _Well, now I had given into it so I was already feeling like I’d let you and myself down…but then, you confirmed my deepest darkest fears. That I had become something terrible, that I had become that darkness that I’d felt in me._
> 
> _You were the one person that I thought I could trust, who was supposed to be there for me, to support me.”_

Dean let his head hang in shame as tears started slipping down his face quickly.

> **[Sam sniffed, swallowing thickly.]**
> 
> _“But you were right. Lord knows you were right, Dean, and even if it hurt me then, I needed to hear it. So please, don’t beat yourself up about it…I know you, and I know you probably are feeling like crap right now from what I said, but don’t._
> 
> _I was in a dark place, I did stupid shit and I was sick. Addiction is a disease right? And you helped me detox, and you stuck by me even when I relapsed once or twice. That’s what counts to me._
> 
> _I’ve forgiven you for what you said, you should too. The reason this is included in this list is because it was something that did hurt me when you said it, and greatly affected me then…so it’s part of the chain, part of the butterfly effect._
> 
> _The next one actually isn’t an event in my life…I know I said these were all about events in my life, but it’s really an event in your life. But you’ll see why it’s important…why it belongs on this list._
> 
> _Hopefully it doesn’t upset you too much. Even though I know you’ll disagree wholeheartedly with what I say”_
> 
> ***click***

Dean took out the tape and flipped it over to the next side, kissing Sam’s hand again.


	9. Cassette 4, Side B: Reason Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam didn't have a whole lot to say on this one. He has a lot of thoughts about it, but to put them into words, this is really what it all sums up to.

> _“Don’t get mad and defensive. Promise me you’ll hear me out, and listen all the way til the end before you get upset. I know you’ll disagree and you probably won’t like this one at all…but please, Dean, just listen._
> 
> _Number Eight is you leaving behind Lisa and Ben. There, yeah I said it._
> 
> _There are so many reasons that you should have stayed, that you should have just moved them to another town and tried to keep your life normal._
> 
> _For one, I don’t buy for a second that Ben isn’t your son. I mean, look at the kid! He has your eyes, and he’s just like you, man._
> 
> _And Lisa. I’ve seen the way you looked at her, heard how you talk about her…you loved her, maybe even still do._
> 
> _You deserved to have a life with them, they were your family and…your chance at real happiness. If I hadn’t been around, maybe you would have found a way to stick around, maybe….maybe now you can go back to them._
> 
> _If I hadn’t come back and had just left you with them, you’d probably still be with her, right? You left because of me, because you thought that hunting was the only way because I was there and you always took care of me. I know that’s why, Dean._
> 
> _But I was just dragging you down, holding you back. You didn’t have to give up your life with them for me. I wasn’t worth it.”_

Dean shook his head over and over. “You’re worth everything.”

> _“I know you think us being together is the most important thing, but at what price? What did you gain by leaving them that was better than what you lost?”_
> 
> ***click***

Dean shook his head and went to the next tape. “You matter more" he whispered to Sam, the one on the tapes, not really the Sam that was there in front of him.


	10. Cassette 5, Side A: Reason Nine

Dean hit play, wondering why he was still torturing himself with these...but he knew it was because he needed to hear them, needed to know why Sam thought he was justifying taking his own life...or at least attempting to, though the Sam on these tapes didn't know that he was still alive.

> **[The recording started and Sam cleared his throat.]**
> 
> _“This one’s gonna be tough…I…I never really told you much about what happened to me in Hell._
> 
> _Number nine: My memories of Hell._
> 
> _I was already pretty upset with you for getting my soul back when I’d said I didn’t want it._
> 
> _But for a while after I’d got it back, things seemed good…”_

Dean winced. It seemed like he’d fucked his brother up more than anything.

> _“I was back to normal, wasn’t I? Back to being Sammy…but that wall Death put up, it didn’t hold. No, eventually it all came crashing down and…well, you know what happened._
> 
> _I had decided I was glad to have my soul back, but the things that happened to me in the cage…I would rather die that have those memories._
> 
> _And they almost killed me, in more ways than one”_

Dean shook his head, his eyes falling to the floor.

> _“Like Death explained, the rushing back of that much trauma could have killed me…but then, remembering all those things? Having them in my head? The nightmares alone nearly drove me to…well…you know._
> 
> _I…I still don’t think I can talk to you about what all happened to me down there. It’s too much.”_
> 
> **[His voice was shaky. There was a long silence while he tried to pull himself together, get his mind back on track.]**
> 
> _“I wouldn’t know where to begin, or….or how to tell you. How could I ever make you understand? And I don’t think I want you to understand….I hope you never know what it’s like to experience what I did. I truly hope you never do.”_
> 
> **[He’s crying, despite trying to hold back the tears and stay collected.]**

Hearing his little brother break down in tears like this destroys Dean. He started to cry, hanging his head and holding Sam’s hand to his heart.

> **[He sniffed, swallowing.]**
> 
> _“So uh…yeah…remembering Hell. It…it was Hell.”_
> 
> ***click***


	11. Cassette 5, Side B: Reason Ten

Dean pushed play on the second side of the tape. He was going through them quickly now, no pausing because he wanted to just get them over with, hear what Sam had to say even though it was killing him inside to listen.

> _“It’s just going to get worse from here…because that’s how it happened in a sense. Sure there were good times in there too, and some of them were great, some of the best of times of my life happened within the years between these events and whenever you’re listening to this._
> 
> _But there was a lot of darkness too. Tape number 10. Did you make it this far? You’re almost done…just a few more._
> 
> _Like I said, there was a lot of darkness…a lot of it you didn’t see. Either because I tried to hide it, hide that I was hurting or struggling…or because you weren’t around._
> 
> _Like when you were in Purgatory.”_

Dean flinched and held Sam’s hand a little bit tighter.

> _“I didn’t know where you’d gone…I-I couldn’t find you anywhere and I just felt so lost. I tried to tell myself you were okay, tried to move on but I was barely hanging on, Dean. Every day was a battle just to get out of bed, to go on and live my life without you there._
> 
> _I’d lost you again…I had prayed that after you came back from Hell, I’d never have to go through that again._
> 
> _By this point, there had already been a few occasions where I’d had those feelings, of wanting to just…end things. So it wasn’t difficult for me to slip into those feelings again, for my head to go to that space._
> 
> _There were days I didn’t get out of bed. There were times I was driving that I went over a bridge and for a second wondered what would happen if I just…drove off the side. There was a hotel I stayed in one night that I was particularly bad that actually had floors and I was up pretty high…I got hammered and went out on the balcony, looking out, over the edge down at the sidewalk below. I could jump, it could all be over right then and there._
> 
> _I’m still not completely sure why exactly I didn’t.”_

Dean choked out a sob, putting his head down on Sam’s chest.

> _“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I told you from the start that this wasn’t going to be easy to listen to…just important. Hopefully you’ll hang in with me for the next few”_
> 
> ***click***

Dean flipped to the next, squeezing his eyes shut. Wouldn’t this just end already?

The tapes were getting a bit shorter. It was like Sam knew that he was getting close to the end and he just wanted to get there so it could be over...Dean's heart broke at the thought.


	12. Cassette 6, Side A: Reason Eleven

> **[Sam's voice started abruptly after Dean pressed the play button. He hadn't left the usual gap of silence on the beginning before he spoke.]**
> 
> _“The Trials. The trials were a difficult time for both of us…and it was stressful and confusing. We didn’t really know exactly what we were doing or what was supposed to happen…whether we were actually doing anything._
> 
> _But I was determined to go through them for deeper reasons than just the possibility of closing the gates to Hell. I told you they were purifying me. I think I truly thought that they were going to redeem the evil in me. See, there we are back around to that darkness I knew was still there in me. But, I think part of me also knew that they were almost surely killing me. I think I just wanted it all to be over, so much had happened and I was just…tired._

Dean was slowly losing hope in himself the more he listened.

> _“Remember, this is not on you. But this wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, this was something I’d made up my mind on…not taken lightly. I understand what it means._
> 
> _This was a long time coming, Dean…I know you probably didn’t see it. In some ways, I didn’t either, but once I thought about it more seriously than any other time I had before, I started to realize how things fit together, how everything was affected by everything else…”_

Dean shook his head, starting to feel numb. Slowly but surely.

Suddenly, the most subtle of movements pulled him back to reality, Sam’s fingers curled ever so slightly in Dean’s hand.

Dean’s eyes widened and his head shot up. “Sammy?” He gasped.

Sam was still unconscious but his fingers moved again, slightly more pressure than before but still a very faint movement. His was voice still playing in Dean’s ears.

Dean pressed pause, sitting up straighter and his eyes searching Sam for any other signs of movement, but he was still. He still waited for a few minutes, praying for him to wak up, but when he didn't, Dean settled back again in the chair, pressing play.

> _“My hope for these tapes is to help you move on. That hopefully if you have answers, if you have more of an understanding of why I did what I did, that you’ll be able to move on and get on with your life. I’m not saying you’ll get over it or that you won’t still be upset and that it won’t be hard…but that maybe you’ll have closure”_

Dean shook his head, squeezing Sam’s hand. “Nope.”

> _“That’s what people always say that they want or wish they had when someone commits suicide right?…..wow, I actually said it._
> 
> _So, even though I’m dead, you can know why…you can have answers to all those questions everyone inevitably asks when someone dies, and you can use it to help you move on with your life. Please Dean, for me, you’ve got to go on.”_

Dean barked a hoarse laugh and shook his head again. “Nope.”

> _“Just, listen til the end….promise me that much. Listen until the end of the tapes.”_
> 
> ***CLICK***


	13. Cassette 6, Side B: Reason Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content/Trigger Warning: This chapter contains description of suicidal ideation. If this is content that you don't think you can handle, please consider not reading it. Keep yourself safe.

Dean decided he would listen to them all, he had to. He flipped the tape over to side B, labeled '12'.

> **[A brief silence started this tape before Sam spoke somberly.]**
> 
> _“This one is going to be hard, Dean…for me to talk about, for you to listen to. I just hope that I make my point clear, that you don’t take this the wrong way, because it easily could be._
> 
> _I need you to know that I love you more than anything, more than life itself. But…number twelve is the first time I realized that my feelings towards you, my feelings **for**  you went past brotherly._
> 
> _This is included in the list because I knew in that moment that I would never have a ‘normal life’ - whatever that was - I could never be around you the same way again, could never look at you and think about you just as my brother._
> 
> _The voice in my head started saying all those old familiar things again… ‘you’re a freak Sam’ ‘what you’re doing is wrong, Sam’ ‘this isn’t right, this is weird and he’ll think you’re a monster again’_
> 
> _Sure, I know how you feel now, but then, I had no idea. And I never would have imagined that you felt the same way….I mean, who thinks that way about their brother, right?”_

Dean winced and looked down at the bulge in his pocket from the ring box, frowning.

> _“Remember what I was saying about some of the best times of my life? They were all with you De…and most of them in the time we were together, like together together. You’re amazing, and I didn’t deserve you._
> 
> _Those green eyes and your goofy little smile, and those lips…those perfect lips. How did I get so lucky that I got to call you mine? Especially since I was such a freak? There was something wrong with me, I could feel it my whole life…maybe it was always going to come to this, one way or another. The darkness in me was going to catch up to me, always…no matter what?_
> 
> _I have to do it, Dean…I’m so sorry”_
> 
> **[He was crying, his voice a little gravelly. He wasn’t sobbing, he could still speak clearly, but it was obvious in his voice that there were tears.]**
> 
> **[Sam just took a few minutes, there while the tape was recording. He shuffled papers, took a sip of water, gathered his thoughts. When he spoke again his voice was level, like he was feeling completely fine. Which he was, he’d made his decision and he knew what was going to happen. It didn’t get more complicated than that for him.]**
> 
> _“I’ve decided how I’m gonna do it, too. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about this…but, I mean, if you’re hearing this you already know what happened anyway._
> 
> _I want to make sure it’s done, final. We’ve ‘cheated’ death so many times, I wanted it to be something that couldn’t go wrong like a gun misfiring, pills being pumped out of my stomach or thrown up….no, it had to be something that I got up the balls to do, and then once I had done the first part, there wasn’t a way to reverse it. I couldn’t chicken out.”_

Dean felt like he was going to puke. He could barely listen.

> _“I’m sorry if this is harsh, if it’s too much. I won’t say anymore, I just…I needed to say that for myself I think. It feels more real to say it out loud than for it to still just be a thought inside my head. Now I’ve put it out there.”_
> 
> **[The whirring of the tape recording silence went on longer than it had at the end of any of the tapes, almost until the end of the side, like Sam had finished talking but didn’t have the energy or care enough to hit stop.]**

Then finally

> ***click***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, know that you are not alone and that there is another way.  
> Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-8255  
> Someone is available to talk 24 hours a day.


	14. Cassette 7, Side A: Reason Thirteen

Dean took the last tape out of the box, holding it in his hand. He stared at the number '7' that was written on it, wondering what Sam had recorded as his final words to him. What was the last reason? What was he going to say? He knew he'd gotten this far, but sitting here, realizing that this tape held what his brother had planned on leaving as his last words of his entire life...he wasn't sure if he could do it.

He slid the tape into the walkman and closed it but still sat there for what felt like hours, his thumb hovering over the play button. Eventually, he took a deep breath, and pressed down, bringing Sam's voice back to his ears.

> _The last tape. Number Thirteen. Thanks for sticking around._
> 
> _Want to know something interesting? I didn’t record this soon after number twelve like I did with most of the others. No, I waited, because you see, I recorded one through twelve and then I almost changed my mind. I don’t know why, but it didn’t matter because quickly everything went to shit again. Sure, we handled the shit with Amara, but I thought you were dead……again._
> 
> _And finally we’re led to lucky number thirteen: The British Men of Letters._
> 
> _Once I got to this point, I was so…done. So much shit had happened, and while Toni was torturing me, I couldn’t help but think ‘how much shit has to happen to a person before they just give up? Before they just stop being?’ “_

Dean winced, swallowing thickly and looking up at his body lying there in front of him, being kept alive by machines and sheer survival instincts inside him.

> _“What is it that breaks the final straw? Is it water torture? A blow torch to the fucking foot?…And what did I really have to live for with you gone? Why did it matter if she killed me or not?_
> 
> _Short answer? It didn’t._
> 
> _I think part of me was hoping she would so I didn’t have to worry about it, or deal with any of it any longer.”_

Dean clenched his jaw and closed his eyes again.

> _“I was close to giving in, after she’d drugged me, after all of it. I was ready to practically beg her to ‘just kill me already’….and then you walked in that door._
> 
> _I came to my senses and we got out of there eventually._
> 
> _Flash forward several months and we find out Mom is working with them behind our backs…. It was a difficult choice? That’s what she said, that it was a hard choice whether to trust them and work with them directly because of what they did to me._
> 
> _So glad it was so easy for her to forgive them for one of their agents bringing me to the brink of suicide. Glad to know where your loyalties lie, Mary._
> 
> _I don’t hate Mom, and in her defense she may be our mother but she doesn’t really know us all that well._
> 
> _But seeing them, having them around at all….it just sent me right back to that headspace that I’d been in so many times before and this time I couldn’t seem to shake it. Because it wasn’t something in the past, it was all around me…yeah, sure I agreed to work with them. Ever hear of ‘self destructive behavior’? I had already made up my mind by then. So I knew that I had nothing to lose. And I knew that you wouldn’t trust them enough to get in very deep.”_

Dean shook his head over and over. He would normally wonder where he went wrong, but now he knew.

> _“So that pretty much sums it up. They don’t seem to be leaving the country or our lives anytime soon, and I can’t hang around while they’re still around._
> 
> _I’d already made my decision and then I got confirmation that it was the right choice for me. I’m sorry, Dean…I’m so sorry, baby. But that’s just the way it was.”_
> 
> **[It was the first time in the entire tapes he had used the pet name, and his voice broke on it. He’d done it deliberately, not wanting to involve their intimate relationship in these tapes if possible because it wasn’t involved. Everything about their relationship was in the good part of his life, was the happiness that sometimes managed to cut through the dark.]**
> 
> _“I love you, De. Please remember that. Whatever you take from these tapes, that’s up to you. But from our lives, from our life together, please know that I love you with every fiber of my being. Mind, body, soul…baby, I’m yours. That’s why it hurts so much, that’s my only concern with this. I know what I need to do, the only thing keeping me back at all is the thought of you…”_

Dean got out the ring box, his hands shaking badly. He’d never felt so horrible, so depressed in his entire life.

> _“So you’ve got the tapes…do whatever you want with them after this. Maybe pass them along to Mary?_
> 
> _Promise me you’ll keep going. Go find Lisa, get Mom away from the Brits, both of you go live a normal life. Please don’t have Cas try to bring me back. It won’t work anyway, I warded myself against it. I know you too well Dean._
> 
> _We’ve gotten through the whole list…hopefully you’re still listening. Hopefully you see the connections even if you don’t understand why I’m gone._
> 
> _Thanks for listening._
> 
> **[A long almost minute long pause, Sam’s soft breathing in the background of the recording.]**
> 
> _“I’m sorry.”_
> 
> ***whirring* *CLICK***

Dean threw the walkman back in the box and pulled his ring out, putting it on his left ring finger. He then pulled Sam’s out and put it on Sam’s left ring finger, broken sobs escaping his lips. Dean kissed the ring on Sam’s finger before standing up and crawling into bed with Sam. He curled protectively around him, whimpering.

Sam made a soft muffled mumbling sound like he was trying to talk, the beeping on the heart monitor sped up ever so slightly, Sam’s hand actually very lightly squeezing Dean’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't forget to leave a comment and let me know what you think :)


End file.
